make. it. stop.

CW: medical/trans drama, suicidal ideation, dysphoria, panic attacks

 

Thank you for your nudges, likes and messages since my last update.

 

I had hoped to come back with great news but alas, I cannot.

 

The Zoladex, after ramping to a critical mass of hormones, ended up working. The migraines faded, as did the pain, and the gynaecologist admitted to having delayed my hysterectomy and I was given a date. This came with a warning -that on the day I would have to fight for it. Instead, I needed to fight -not- to have it, and I failed dramatically. And, now, kinda dying? Maybe.

Continue reading make. it. stop.

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Escalations and Revelations

CN: gender-related medical stuffs, codeine drama, pain, discrimination, medical ick, brief mention of suicidal ideation

 

Did you know it’s possible to be in so much pain that you forget to take pain meds? To forget they even exist, that there’s a way to make it not all-consumingly awful?

 

I didn’t. Now, this is me, we’re talking about. I refused anaesthesia for my last surgical procedure, twice, and the thought of taking it was highly amusing. The one before, I insisted on only using a local, and that for reasons of muscle relaxing only and, because I wasn’t allowed to type in the OR, and they didn’t ask the right question, I went through that without the local actually having an effect. (Try saying ‘it’s not a sharp pain, it’s an I-can-feel-the-needle-on-my-bone-and-that’s-not-normal-pain in sign with your bad arm being held, dislocated, above your head and the other arm covered by a blanket and held down and stroked for “comfort because you’re so brave, don’t you like being touched?”. Yeah. That’s about right.) This pain was no greater than my normal pain. After my appendectomy I was able to drive and function within three days, and the nurses controlled my pain meds because I was just like ‘but it doesn’t hurt more’. I can’t tell you what my “worst” piercing was because they don’t bother me. If I am complaining about pain it is black-out-in-the-toilet-after-throwing-up pain. The stuff I used to be able to get up to is more extreme than any of the fics I’ve written, and I used to be unmatchable because nobody else read ‘dark’ as anything other than ‘mild angst’.

 

So this morning, I was knitting and watching TV, and I looked at the clock and was like it has been three hours I can’t take my meds yet. Continue reading Escalations and Revelations

Let Me Tell You About A Thing

CN: sexism, rape, judicial process

 

This is what goes through my mind, what I viscerally experience, every time the ‘but women lie/what about the innocent men/false accusations!!’ thing comes up. Every time. On Facebook, in the news, in random comments on non-news-sites.

Continue reading Let Me Tell You About A Thing

Project New Doctor, part 3

CN: privacy, discrimination

 

Let me remind you that for a few years, I worked at a law firm – specifically in an area where I frequently had to deal with doctors and medical records. I do not think things have radically changed since then, and if they have it certainly hasn’t been publicised.

 

So, I went to check my mail today and had a letter from the hospital.

 

In this letter, they said they had been notified that I had changed GPs so they had sent my records to “facilitate [my] ongoing care” and when I was next in the hospital I had to tell them who I wanted to notify in future so that the correct GP was informed.

Here’s the problem – I haven’t changed GPs.

Continue reading Project New Doctor, part 3

Project New Doctor, part 2

CN: codeine drama, discrmination

 

Yeah, so, today was the first appointment with Potential New Doctor #1.

 

Receptionist presented me with a new patient form and insisted I fill it out, while holding my typed version. “But I have to scan it!!!” was said.

Then…

“Can’t you write?”

Well, sure, but not if you want to read it.

 

Cue huffing and heading out to the back to, as I discovered, gossip about it.

Continue reading Project New Doctor, part 2

With a Whimper, not even a sound

CN: moar chronic pain vs codeine discussion, discrimination, 

 

So as you know, codeine was shoved off onto prescription only as of February of this year. That was five months ago. I told you at the time that a previously considerate GP turned into a threatening ‘you really only have anxiety’ monster after a single telephone consultation with the state rehab people, because “the head doctor” said people only take codeine because it hides anxiety and pain will go away with mental health treatment. You know I was lucky enough to find a new GP, who initially gave me not a small amount of grief, but settled into prescribing me just-under-two-weeks worth every two weeks and didn’t ask where I made up the rest. You know he found something actually wrong, for which I’m going through testing, waiting, and more waiting.

 

You may have even gathered that things were looking better for me – I was establishing a new routine, I wasn’t terrified of going to the doctor because I didn’t know if I’d get a script or have to fight for it or go through another unwanted, traumatic test in order to get it.

 

Today, when I left the room, the receptionist kept offering me tissues and then, instead of letting me type to her, shoved me off into a private room and locked me in.

 

Clearly, something changed.

 

Continue reading With a Whimper, not even a sound

Risk

CN: moar codeine drama; gender-nonconformi-ness and medical care, mention of genital-related medical issues

 

I saw a different doctor at the same practice. He was nice, apart from two things

  • the guilt trip and ‘you know the risks’ talk, when by now if they really think I don’t know that medications have risks, they should be sending me for a capacity assessment…
  • ‘she’ and ‘Miss’

Continue reading Risk