I finished P5! It’s over!

I finished Persona 5, thank goodness. I like RPGs, but not ones that go for so long and have balance issues. (By which I mean, by the time I was reaching the final dungeons, I already had those Personas and was not gaining experience due to being so far above the enemy levels just by doing the story dungeons and the social link requests. Given that there’s so much to do, that basic level of gameplay shouldn’t be making the entire party OP enough to one-hit kill physical resistant enemies with melee attacks.)


More spoilers below the cut, finishing off my thoughts on Futaba.

Continue reading I finished P5! It’s over!


Everything Wrong With Persona 5 – so far…

The amount of Gladio hate just builds and it makes my life. Though explaining to white male gamers that psychological conditions are not a sign of weakness of character is an uphill battle, the discovery that the stairs in Altissia have white lines painted on the edges (an aid for people with low vision, so they know where the steps are!) makes my argument that certain other low vision accoutrements aren’t up to scratch a tiny bit more grounded, and I’m happy in my spot on the Descartes graph.


But while I can still go on about FFXV (I got the Afrosword before my brother, and I acquired the Black Hood without using a glitch, unlike my brother, so I am very happy), I just went back to Persona 5 after taking a break after being spoiled and having some ragey moments.


I don’t have a good history with Persona, and quite frankly this one is more upsetting than the last. Persona 4 Golden was generally upsetting due to its weird fixation on a flawed perception of sexuality and stereotypes, but certain aspects of Persona 5 are quite personally upsetting.

Spoilers below the jump:

Continue reading Everything Wrong With Persona 5 – so far…

The Little Things

TW: discussion of weight/perception of weight (including numbers), ableism, discrimination


This post is going to be a mess because I have a lot to be annoyed about today.




I have a new pet peeve – it’s not a new thing that annoys me, but it escalated to an official peeve today.

Continue reading The Little Things

FFXV and Disability… maybe

TW: visible vs invisible illness, privilege
SPOILERS for Final Fantasy XV

You might remember a while ago, before the computer incident, I said I wanted to talk about how Final Fantasy XV treated disability.

I (apparently stupidly) mentioned this a few other places, and showed a few people a rough draft of the key points I wanted to cover.

This draft was rough, really. It was a paragraph for each point; there were meant to be three, but I described point three under point two; I didn’t go and play the game again, check the videos I had saved of my playthrough, It was <i> a draft</i>.

This revealed a few points about how gamers see disability and games that felt, to me, more important than pointing out that the game treats invisible disabilities much more cavalierly than visible ones. (Sure, now that the dust has settled, there are a lot of people who feel like it was ‘unfair’ and ‘could have been better explained’. That wasn’t my point. My point was that the game showed this as okay, and as an AAA title with a worldwide audience, which took into account significant player feedback during development, it should have made an effort to portray the invisible disability just as compassionately as the visible one. (On the same place where this discussion took place, there were arguments about Scarlett Johanssen’s casting in Ghost in the Shell, Riverdale erasing asexuality, and Black visibility in American media. I would have thought I wouldn’t have to spell this out.)

My conclusion out of all this was that it was useless trying to continue talking there, because the counter arguments were “but they are privileged and in character so it’s okay” and “but you need a doctor to diagnose mental illness because it’s really hard so we shouldn’t expect people to know anything is wrong” and “we have more information than they do so we can’t expect too much from them”. I didn’t have it in me to try to explain that in-universe privilege doesn’t excuse anyone not noticing their best friend is in crisis, or that even doctors don’t always understand or correctly diagnose/treat mental illness, or dismiss it completely (as happens in-game). It shouldn’t be shown as okay or in-character for someone living in close quarters with someone else to bully and put down that person explicitly for having a crisis, while being solicitous of someone with a visible disability. This normalises treating mental illness as an other, as a thing that people can’t see or understand, and that filters onwards.

“But they’re young and don’t have experience with it, so they don’t know what to do,” was another thing. Nobody ever asked, either.


I didn’t want to keep on trying to explain how in-game signals and the very change in personality they pointed out were exactly what should have clued them in to Something Being Wrong, and that a character not knowing what to do shouldn’t mean that ignoring the entire thing was okay. I was told I was disregarding character in favour of wanting a “Correct” approach, like a “How To Deal With Disability Handbook checklist”.


And then, when I left the conversation, the person who silenced me was told that they won.


I don’t know how to explain that none of this is okay. I don’t know how to say that dismissing something because you can’t put a name on something isn’t okay. I don’t know how to say that lowering expectations of portrayals of disability because illness is hard is not okay. Apparently, I’m not able to do that. But that was their argument, which they supposedly won with, as if it was a competition, as if the whole aim was to shut me down.

“You need a doctor to diagnose mental illness because it can be so many things and it’s really hard, so we can’t expect normal people to notice what up and not tell people off for having something wrong,” is not okay as an argument or a position in real life. If we switched ‘mental illness’ there for ‘physical injury’, it would sound stupid.

“You need a doctor to tell you your leg is broken because it could be so many things and it’s really hard so we can’t expect a normal person to notice that you can’t walk and not tell you off for not walking. ” Sure. A normal person couldn’t easily diagnose or treat a compound tibial fracture, but it’s pretty likely that your normal person is going to be able to tell that you can’t take weight on that leg (even if it appears totally normal, isn’t swelling, doesn’t have a bone sticking out or foot pointed the wrong way) and that you’re in pain, and is socially expected to help to the best of their ability – calling an ambulance, bringing water, blanket, making the area safe. If someone with medical training is present, most law areas have provisions allowing them to provide first aid with the expectation of not being held liable for doing so.

“You need a doctor to tell you have acute adjustment disorder with anxiety and depressive mood because it could be so many things and it’s really hard so we can’t expect a normal person to notice that suddenly you’re withdrawing from your friends, having emotional outbursts, and having trouble coping with your job.” Sure. A normal person wouldn’t even know the term, but they could pretty easily tell that your entire personality changed, or that you’re not doing things you used to,  or that something that society deems easy is suddenly really hard and making you cry. They can check on you more often, ask what you need, offer you time off, call an ambulance (which can be humiliating, so I recommend only doing this if there’s actual, you know, risk in play, not just someone crying in a corner for a few seconds; use discretion and judgment), offer to include you in a social thing and not tell you off if you don’t participate at a certain level. The point here, is that even though you can’t <i>see</i> the injury because it’s inside, you can see the <i>effects</i> of it. You can see that frequent panic attacks may not allow someone to work full time.

Except, when someone can’t do the thing society expects that you should, and you’re not visibly unable to do it, then society puts you on the outside. You have to fight to get the same treatment as someone with a visible injury. In many cases, even people with a visible injury and a proper name for it and an army of doctors who agree have to fight for things like compensation, welfare, and/or accommodations. Normalising that because it’s something we can’t see and diagnose, treating it differently to a visible illness is okay, IS NOT OKAY.


I will now refer specifically to the in-game situation, so if you haven’t played and don’t want to be spoiled, thank you for reading and I hope I made sense.

Continue reading FFXV and Disability… maybe

Things The Internet Says I Have

  • Rheumatic fever
  • Pancreatitis
  • Diabetes
  • Ovarian cancer
  • Liver cancer
  • Inflamed kidneys
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Social dysphoria
  • Rejection-sensitive dysphoria
  • Rheumatoid arthritis
  • Multiple sclerosis
  • Autism (well, I was diagnosed in school, but DECS aren’t great about handing out proof so it goes here and not there)


The doctors say “It’s probably neurological,” even though I asked for tests for neurological and auto-immune disorders and was told that because I had seen a neurologist once, they weren’t necessary.


And remember, everything can be fixed with physio! Even if you can’t get there and home again. And just because one doctor said something it’s not actually true if it’s not convenient (like how I was diagnosed as allergic to paracetamol, paracetamol makes me throw up and get a fever and prolonged dosing gives me a rash, but because paracetamol comes in stronger doses than ibuprofen…)



Things I have actually been diagnosed with (that other doctors do or do not believe):


  • conversion disorder (mutism)
  • PTSD
  • PCOS
  • DSPS
  • sliding hiatal hernia
  • cardiomegaly
  • gender dysphoria
  • scoliosis and spondylosis at T7-8
  • migraines


Things I am allergic to (that doctors do or do not believe even though I have documented allergic reactions to all of these):

  • Milk and milk products (inc. lactose, whey)
  • Eggs
  • Beef
  • Chicken
  • Apples
  • Citrus
  • Pumpkin
  • Paracetamol
  • Paroxetine
  • Latex
  • Bee stings
  • Avocado
  • Cashew nuts

This list has actually grown in the last few years, but increasing sensitivity to things that weren’t sensitivities before isn’t actually a symptom of anything or worth looking into.

(also /sarcasm)


I don’t know how to make people listen to me. I can’t yell at them. I can’t show much weakness, like bursting into tears, because all that would get me is committed, and the reason I’m not allowed prescription painkillers is apparently “[I] wouldn’t like being committed”, so apparently, that isn’t an option.

(more /sarcasm)


Symptoms I have that haven’t been addressed, tested, or looked at:

  • pain on physical activity in both wrists (so like, typing and knitting)
  • pain in both knees
  • sciatica-like/stress fracture-like pain in both lower legs
  • right shoulder weakness with frequent dislocations
  • Lhermitte’s sign in cervical spine
  • skin hypersensitivity
  • white shiny patches on my tongue


Symptoms I have that have been looked at but don’t have a cause (and therefore shouldn’t be there or it’s just because of the conversion disorder)

  • repetitive pain under ribs (present with no change after gall bladder removal, i was not given a choice about that or given any assistance about changing my diet, which is fine because i can barely eat anyway) – my ribs actually crunch if i take a deep breath, which is a thing
  • tenderness in lower stomach area (below navel, to the point where I can’t tie a dressing gown, rest anything on my tummy, or wear heavy clothes, or sleep with a doona)
  •  constant, repetitve pain below that on both sides, mirror image (not endometriosis, apparently, because we had that entirely unnecessary procedure), which is worse if I sit, have my right leg anything but straight out, or have to urinate
  • related, urination is either more frequent or significantly difficult, is often red- or green- tinged
  • extreme fatigue (i went to a concert, i sat on the floor, i slept for fourteen hours because i sat on the floor somewhere for a few hours and it made me tired)
  • i’m still losing weight and it’s been four years since the pain started


But, you know, not important. It doesn’t matter that the transvaginal ultrasounds and pap smears hurt (they’re not meant to, but I can assure you that they did, and psychologically having someone up in that area was not great either), because the fact that they found nothing means that nothing at all is wrong, because everything can be diagnosed from sticking a wand up a part of anatomy I try very hard to pretend isn’t there. Everything. Ever.I’ve never seen my kidneys on any scan I’ve had, so if something’s wrong with them, well, blah. If the entire inside of my pancreas is a skeletonised black hole of doom, well, we don’t know that either. (I don’t know that it could be, but it hasn’t been shown to be normal). The one blood test I have had in this entire time (I KNOW RIGHT) couldn’t rule out anything but proved that I am actually still capable of feeding myself because despite being, apparently, underweight (because the BMI is everything, as we all know it isn’t), I was completely nourished but could have lupus or arthritis or something. Thyroid issues can affect talking because that’s where the thyroid is, but the test showing altered thyroid-related numbers was, you know, not important. I was promised a further test in twelve weeks to check, but, you know, doctor was on leave again. Or something.


Part of my most recent doctor’s visit was sublimated because, after promising that he wouldn’t send a letter to my GP until I had seen and approved it, my GP had a letter from my psychiatrist, and she randomly decided that was more important than listening to me about why I was actually there. She decided that she would get my records and explain things to me better so I understood it. Never mind that the letter says I have things I don’t have (for example, the psychiatrist decided, with no tests, and being a psychiatrist, that I have a duodenum. Everyone has a duodenum, or is supposed to, but him saying I have one means that he tells everyone that I need reflux medication, because he’s a psychiatrist. The reason for my hernia? Throwing up at old-work seven to ten times a day for three months. The reason the weight loss didn’t stop when the throwing up did? No idea.) Never mind I was there to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist because he was on leave again and I am in crisis and need help now.


The point?


If I listened to the internet, I would probably have a lot of things I don’t, but I would know what the things I do are.


If I listened to my doctors, I would have a few sessions of physio and would magically not have a brain disorder and the pain would be both neurological and not neurological but the physio would have fixed that too, because physio fixes everything.



In other news, the Roman Catholic Church has started releasing and supporting the releasing of articles encouraging acceptance and treatment for gender dysphoria because transitioning, however people choose to do it or not, is part of that individual’s journey to spiritual wholeness.

The Roman Catholic Church is more progressive than what I have for a medical team.

Chew on that. (If they could put out a thing telling people that existing is not consent for them to touch me at Mass, then maybe I’d even go.)






Deconstructing ‘Kindness’

TW: discussion of ableism, advocacy, harassment


I’m pretty sure that most people who would find me here are the kind of people who understand that a lot of people try to get out of accepting their somethingsomething*ism by saying they’re ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ or ‘accepting’ or, even, ‘my best friend is’ or ‘I grew up with and..’.


I’m also pretty sure that a lot of people I deal with out there are the kind of people who see me as an unusually attractive female teenager in need of damsel-in-distress-type assistance (which you all know I’m not any of). Accordingly, when I do this thing called ‘advocating for myself’, for example, in demanding my contractual rights or in pointing out that something that happened to me was not okay and needs to be looked at, they get stunned and react defensively, using the ‘but we’re not like that’ excuses.


Continue reading Deconstructing ‘Kindness’

Emetic Early Warning System

TW: disordered eating, PTSD, conversion disorder, chronic pain, people being sucky, assault and implied assault/battery


I don’t know how to condense this into a content warning, so if I have missed anything I need to put in please let me know. I think this post is more me putting my thoughts in order and getting them out of my head so I can move on.


So last week I talked about how important routine is and why messing with it can be detrimental, and about subdrop, vaguely. The takeaway was that I was not in an emotional place to be making decisions.


So I ended up quitting therapy just after that, didn’t I? Continue reading Emetic Early Warning System