highlights

CN: codeine drama, gender issues (non-binary)

 

So many things, so tired.

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invisible

CN: moar codeine drama, doctor angst, medical anxiety, disordered eating, panic attacks

 

I saw the doctor today. Last week it was ‘try Panadeine, obviously if you’re still allergic you can’t have it, but try it!’. So instead of seeing my family and having an actual Easter, I spent the weekend having an allergic reaction to paracetamol, something which was diagnosed by an actual real doctor a whole three and a bit years ago.

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i am crushed

CN: moar codeine drama, discrimination, disability, medical stuffs as gender non conforming

 

I got home from the doctors two hours ago and I have not stopped shaking and cannot seem to stop myself from crying. I am, I think, in shock.

 

 

Yesterday I was planning to go visit my parents for the long weekend.

Now I’m not sure I’ll ever see them again.

 

It wasn’t a great day anyway, owing to an incident in the post office where I went to collect a parcel and they gave it to someone else, who then dumped it on the floor, kept saying it was theirs, and the post office clerk spoke to me like I was two – you know how people are with disabled people, when they speak slow and their voice goes up and they use simple words. I had to get down on the floor and pick up a box, oh, about the size of a television. Nobody apologised to me. I don’t do well with people touching my things in any case, but this was simply horrid. And then a man followed me out, yelling ‘can you manage’ and trapped me between him and the door. It was not the best foundation.

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Choice, or lack of

CN: medical anxiety (inc. discussion of coping mechanisms), discrimination, workers compensation

 

Things have been strange this last few weeks. After going around saying ‘nobody’s even done a blood test since x’, I’ve had at least one diagnostic test every week since January. Naturally, I’m not coping too well with all this – my back just never stops hurting, my patella keeps slipping out, my shoulder feels like it’s been punched one too many times, and I don’t seem to be able to focus on anything for more than an hour at a time, which isn’t great when you’re heading into dungeons and wake up two hours later to find the timer still running (and so many games now seem to have forgotten the auto-pause functionality, devised just for that eventuality). I have had to go back to ordering food delivered simply because I’m not capable of lifting or stirring. I haven’t had that nice long rest that I like to have between stuff, so I’m not recovering enough in between to keep this sustainable.

But also, after several weeks of ‘we don’t really need an MRI and Medicare wouldn’t cover it anyway’, suddenly I do qualify for an MRI under Medicare and it was ordered for me without so much as even a ‘can you do that?’.

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Let me tell you about today

CN: doctors, chronic pain, codeine drama, mental health, discrimination

 

Today is a sunny 40 degrees, give or take a few due to ambient heat, concrete jungleitis, cloud cover, and the fact that it’s the fourth day in a row of this. This means, for me, if I go outside, unless I put myself through more agony by not wearing my wrist bandages, ankle bandages, or corset, I am very hot. I cannot see without sunglasses, and if I take them off, I instantly feel like my eyes are being dug out with an icecream scoop because light-sensitivity does that, and today I woke up with my back still feeling split in two. I know, when I get home, I’ll have a few hours of uselessness as the band pain settles in, and I won’t be able to eat or drink without throwing it up. This summer, chest pain in anything over 30C set in as well.

This means that today, it was not easy to get to the doctor. It was painful, and difficult, and on top of that, I was hoping the last appointment was a brainfart and things would Get Done this time.

Well, thank goodness I started seeing another doctor, because that last thing? I was clearly wrong about that.

 

Continue reading Let me tell you about today

Broken is broken

Contains SPOILERS for the BBC show ‘Broken’

I’m going to cut all of this, because seriously, this show has so many triggers in like, four hours (so far), that like, it’s hit the red exit button for everyone I know. Everyone. And in my view, some of it was entirely unnecessary or unnecessarily explicit. But! So under the jump there will be the TW, because apparently some people got past the first five minutes without putting all the pieces together and I do know at least one person who hasn’t even watched those.

Continue reading Broken is broken