The Little Things

TW: discussion of weight/perception of weight (including numbers), ableism, discrimination

 

This post is going to be a mess because I have a lot to be annoyed about today.

 

 

 

I have a new pet peeve – it’s not a new thing that annoys me, but it escalated to an official peeve today.

This peeve is a very particular one. It requires me to be having a comparatively ‘good’ day, when as long as it’s quiet, I can hear and comprehend fast enough to respond adequately with signs, and I can see. Today was kind of a good day, because I can hear and pick out speech, I only have aura on one side, and I’m only minimally limping. So I went to get meds, right, because I need to like function and stuff, and the assistant wandered off with my note and the pharmacist came back, having absolutely no idea whom the note belonged to.

“Do you have ID?” they said. I have never been asked for ID at this one before, so I didn’t have it out, and I couldn’t be bothered with the whole privacy thing (reminder: they are not allowed to share your data unless you give explicit informed consent, and going ‘do you have ID?’ does not provide the information which allows you to consent to your data being tracked), and I just shook my head, because there was no way I was getting my ID out (tiny plastic thing, thin space wallet, clumsy – I already dropped it three times in two hours, and my wrists hate me particularly badly because I have been making those pink hats for everyone). So, they flipped my note over and started writing on it. ID? they wrote. I had already answered. But because I didn’t speak, it wasn’t valid. The conversation continued like this, but only in pieces. How often do I get migraines? I made the infinite sign, and that was fine (I mean, it’s not fine, because having a migraine for like, wow, nine months now? That’s not fine. But saying I have a long migraine in sign didn’t result in the question being repeated in writing). Then they started writing on my note again. Remember to bring ID next time. Didn’t say it to me, just wrote it.

So I don’t particularly like people assuming I can hear just fine, because sometimes I can’t, and sometimes you can say all you like and I won’t be able to parse it straight away; I watch TV with subtitles and still run stuff back for context because subtitles can be really terrible. But it really peeves me when people just go and start writing to me because I don’t talk. Especially when they write on my note. I keep a ton of notes to ask for things. Writing on them, especially a whole conversation, means that I can’t use that note again, because the note then includes that conversation. I understand how much it is – you don’t need to write it on my note, because I’m obviously prepared to pay since I’m holding the right money in my hand, or I’m nodding. This happened when I went to get new glasses last week – I had to type because it was complex, and he said how much it would cost and I nodded and started typing to him and he interrupted me to show me the price on a piece of paper (From the till). What part of nodding wasn’t clear? (And then the price he gave me turned out to be incorrect, anyway.)

Last week in dance there was a different teacher and the owner was like ‘so, um, she does okay with the vibrations and has a little bit of hearing, wait, can you hear?’. …

Today I received an email from a family friend, which went something like ‘If you have more trouble with your hearing let me know so we can help!’

The issue here, is that I have a ton of trouble making sound, making sound that makes words, and there are certain sounds (like high metallic rattling and crowd sounds) which physically hurt me. I have trouble parsing and understanding things if they’re hard, or it’s a bad aura day, but I can still hear them, even in only one ear. Assuming how best to communicate with me, or assuming I can’t understand, or whatever is behind this? Is rude, relies on a bunch of assumptions about me based on whatever stereotype/not-me experience, and eventually hurts other people, because assuming everyone is the same or there’s one best way or whatever hurts everyone else for whom it isn’t. People shouldn’t just assume someone’s needs because they’re not the same as their own. And yet, people do, which is not a good experience.

And also it’s really not acceptable to just write on someone else’s things. Didn’t everyone learn that in school?

 

So there’s that.

 

Apparently, my mum’s next door neighbour told her that she’d lost weight. My mum then decided to tell me and go on about how much she weighs and how upset she is that everyone calls her obese because she’s not.

Guess where that went?

I need to put on weight.

So does some random tv person and some other person, all because we weigh under 50kg.

But it’s really upsetting for my mum to be called obese because she’s not.

But I need to put on weight because I don’t look like her any more because despite only eating two meals a week and spending most of my time supine on various cushions through inability to move without significant pain and/or falling over, I still get people coming up and asking if I’m pregnant (from the bloating that comes with carbohydrates and, apparently, chocolate), and the fat hasn’t gone away from the IUD drama (and won’t for a while, which is really, REALLY distressing, which is why I have all the mirrors covered up). Or something. Because, you know, it’s okay for my mum to be upset about people labelling her because of her weight, but she can label me. Yes, I lost a ton of weight in a really short time, for no discernible reason, but my mum knows I can’t eat (because she refused to cook for me when she visited because “you said you’re not hungry!” and then when I tried to make my own food she actively prevented me and then wondered why I was upset, and then told me off for insisting on making food for everyone because she “doesn’t eat as much” even though one meal of food for her is like two weeks’ food for me) and said it anyway.

And she should know better. I was so angry I couldn’t even say anything, but tomorrow I’m going to go ‘no I’m still really upset with you’.

 

And then in class today I thought we were finished and sat down to take my shoes off and apparently we were not finished and I got ‘ARE YOU ALRIGHT ARE YOU OKAY OMG ARE YOU OKAY?’ yelled at me from across the room. Thank you for making my physical condition a point of interest to a bunch of strangers, teacher. I’m sure they all wanted to know. (Also, despite my efforts to try to explain, we are doing things which a person with scoliosis has a lot of trouble doing, and It Hurts A Lot, so I look much more uncoordinated than I am.)

 

The little things add up, you know?

 

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