TW: ableism, discrimination, discussion of medication and being triggered
This is what my pain medication situation looks like right now:
January: Pain specialist does a superficial examination (which triggers me) and says he’ll give my psychiatrist a script to give to me, and will see me again after that so he can see how I’m going with it.
Yesterday: Psychiatrist refused to give me a prescription because he didn’t think it was appropriate, so I have to wait a month to see the pain specialist again for another examination.
I decided to experiment. Since I’m stuck with my current medication for another month and instead of ‘try not to take it’ I was told ‘do not change anything’, and I had run out in anticipation of having a prescription, I needed to get some more.
Today it was later, I was presenting feminine (because lazy-default is a maxi dress, corset and jacket with heels and my hair in a single or double braid), and the assistant was masculine-presenting.
I had no trouble.
This could also be attributed to the fact that my eyes look like my makeup ran to panda eyes and my right leg buckles every time I put weight on it, like, when, you know, walking.
But the people before me was getting different brand same thing, and I caught the tail end of the lecture, and they had to disclose their appointment schedule, treatment plan, and symptoms.
I just had to go ‘no’ to the ‘are you on any other medication? do you have stomach trouble?’ routine.
I wonder, I really do. Last time I was presenting more andro, and there were female-presenting staff. The pharmacy where I go every Friday and if I get my days mixed up and run out? Is run by a man. He only asks to make sure he gives me the right brand.
How much of my luck so far has been because I’m apparently quite attractive when I present female? Is it as much as the ‘female under 30 must have psychosomatic pain’ preconception?
I don’t know. I don’t know how to test for this. It just happens too often to be entirely disregarded.
A disadvantage of this, however, is that apparently specialists won’t be alone in a room with me. The pain specialist, despite me saying no, I did not want this, brought in one of the admin people to stand in a place i couldn’t see while he made me bend and told me to take off my shoes “so I could balance better” (nvm that i fall over without them). It is worth noting, too, that the psychiatrist specifically asked me if this was okay to put in the referral and I specifically said no and stated that it was traumatising for me.
The psychiatrist asked me how the appointment went, and I stated this and that it was against my wishes. The fact that he deliberately ignored me telling him I did not want a chaperone, and that the psychiatrist specifically included ‘do not have a chaperone’ in the referral is suddenly forgotten, and the fact that I’ve been having nightmares for the last three weeks directly because of this is totally dismissed. If I do not go back to this pain specialist, I do not get better meds, and I don’t get another referral. Apparently this is because the last specialist I went to was a bitch who pulled my hair and also refused to respect me saying ‘no’ to her dislocating my shoulder because she decided I needed help to move around, and the psychiatrist thinks she’s a nice person so therefore I must be making it up, so I now have to have someone watch me go through this so that I can’t make more things up. (This is what he said. I was pissed.)
(Who on earth thinks having a random stranger come and supervise while a doctor makes you run through positions and pushes you around isn’t humiliating and capable of being a trigger for someone? I don’t get it. My plan is, if he tries again, to walk out. The thought of it getting to that point? Well, the nightmares aren’t going to stop, are they? And I thought I wasn’t sleeping properly before.)