Things The Internet Says I Have

  • Rheumatic fever
  • Pancreatitis
  • Diabetes
  • Ovarian cancer
  • Liver cancer
  • Inflamed kidneys
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Social dysphoria
  • Rejection-sensitive dysphoria
  • Rheumatoid arthritis
  • Multiple sclerosis
  • Autism (well, I was diagnosed in school, but DECS aren’t great about handing out proof so it goes here and not there)


The doctors say “It’s probably neurological,” even though I asked for tests for neurological and auto-immune disorders and was told that because I had seen a neurologist once, they weren’t necessary.


And remember, everything can be fixed with physio! Even if you can’t get there and home again. And just because one doctor said something it’s not actually true if it’s not convenient (like how I was diagnosed as allergic to paracetamol, paracetamol makes me throw up and get a fever and prolonged dosing gives me a rash, but because paracetamol comes in stronger doses than ibuprofen…)



Things I have actually been diagnosed with (that other doctors do or do not believe):


  • conversion disorder (mutism)
  • PTSD
  • PCOS
  • DSPS
  • sliding hiatal hernia
  • cardiomegaly
  • gender dysphoria
  • scoliosis and spondylosis at T7-8
  • migraines


Things I am allergic to (that doctors do or do not believe even though I have documented allergic reactions to all of these):

  • Milk and milk products (inc. lactose, whey)
  • Eggs
  • Beef
  • Chicken
  • Apples
  • Citrus
  • Pumpkin
  • Paracetamol
  • Paroxetine
  • Latex
  • Bee stings
  • Avocado
  • Cashew nuts

This list has actually grown in the last few years, but increasing sensitivity to things that weren’t sensitivities before isn’t actually a symptom of anything or worth looking into.

(also /sarcasm)


I don’t know how to make people listen to me. I can’t yell at them. I can’t show much weakness, like bursting into tears, because all that would get me is committed, and the reason I’m not allowed prescription painkillers is apparently “[I] wouldn’t like being committed”, so apparently, that isn’t an option.

(more /sarcasm)


Symptoms I have that haven’t been addressed, tested, or looked at:

  • pain on physical activity in both wrists (so like, typing and knitting)
  • pain in both knees
  • sciatica-like/stress fracture-like pain in both lower legs
  • right shoulder weakness with frequent dislocations
  • Lhermitte’s sign in cervical spine
  • skin hypersensitivity
  • white shiny patches on my tongue


Symptoms I have that have been looked at but don’t have a cause (and therefore shouldn’t be there or it’s just because of the conversion disorder)

  • repetitive pain under ribs (present with no change after gall bladder removal, i was not given a choice about that or given any assistance about changing my diet, which is fine because i can barely eat anyway) – my ribs actually crunch if i take a deep breath, which is a thing
  • tenderness in lower stomach area (below navel, to the point where I can’t tie a dressing gown, rest anything on my tummy, or wear heavy clothes, or sleep with a doona)
  •  constant, repetitve pain below that on both sides, mirror image (not endometriosis, apparently, because we had that entirely unnecessary procedure), which is worse if I sit, have my right leg anything but straight out, or have to urinate
  • related, urination is either more frequent or significantly difficult, is often red- or green- tinged
  • extreme fatigue (i went to a concert, i sat on the floor, i slept for fourteen hours because i sat on the floor somewhere for a few hours and it made me tired)
  • i’m still losing weight and it’s been four years since the pain started


But, you know, not important. It doesn’t matter that the transvaginal ultrasounds and pap smears hurt (they’re not meant to, but I can assure you that they did, and psychologically having someone up in that area was not great either), because the fact that they found nothing means that nothing at all is wrong, because everything can be diagnosed from sticking a wand up a part of anatomy I try very hard to pretend isn’t there. Everything. Ever.I’ve never seen my kidneys on any scan I’ve had, so if something’s wrong with them, well, blah. If the entire inside of my pancreas is a skeletonised black hole of doom, well, we don’t know that either. (I don’t know that it could be, but it hasn’t been shown to be normal). The one blood test I have had in this entire time (I KNOW RIGHT) couldn’t rule out anything but proved that I am actually still capable of feeding myself because despite being, apparently, underweight (because the BMI is everything, as we all know it isn’t), I was completely nourished but could have lupus or arthritis or something. Thyroid issues can affect talking because that’s where the thyroid is, but the test showing altered thyroid-related numbers was, you know, not important. I was promised a further test in twelve weeks to check, but, you know, doctor was on leave again. Or something.


Part of my most recent doctor’s visit was sublimated because, after promising that he wouldn’t send a letter to my GP until I had seen and approved it, my GP had a letter from my psychiatrist, and she randomly decided that was more important than listening to me about why I was actually there. She decided that she would get my records and explain things to me better so I understood it. Never mind that the letter says I have things I don’t have (for example, the psychiatrist decided, with no tests, and being a psychiatrist, that I have a duodenum. Everyone has a duodenum, or is supposed to, but him saying I have one means that he tells everyone that I need reflux medication, because he’s a psychiatrist. The reason for my hernia? Throwing up at old-work seven to ten times a day for three months. The reason the weight loss didn’t stop when the throwing up did? No idea.) Never mind I was there to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist because he was on leave again and I am in crisis and need help now.


The point?


If I listened to the internet, I would probably have a lot of things I don’t, but I would know what the things I do are.


If I listened to my doctors, I would have a few sessions of physio and would magically not have a brain disorder and the pain would be both neurological and not neurological but the physio would have fixed that too, because physio fixes everything.



In other news, the Roman Catholic Church has started releasing and supporting the releasing of articles encouraging acceptance and treatment for gender dysphoria because transitioning, however people choose to do it or not, is part of that individual’s journey to spiritual wholeness.

The Roman Catholic Church is more progressive than what I have for a medical team.

Chew on that. (If they could put out a thing telling people that existing is not consent for them to touch me at Mass, then maybe I’d even go.)